DISQUS

Zach · 2 years ago

I think the dialogue is the main weakness of it now, and needs some definite punching up. I don't know how to do this myself, as I am incapable of writing dialogue that sounds even remotely like a human being would say it, but it's kind of drab right now. A couple other quick things:

* The part where he's late because he went to the wrong house doesn't really work, specifically the cut showing what happened at the other house. It just meandered a bit with no punchline.

* Her teacher playing a joke on her with her test grade is a tad hard to believe. If nothing else, a teacher would be a bit wary of joking around with a kid's grade simply for fear of the kid's parents seeing it and deciding to sue the school or something.

NinjaVsPenguin · 2 years ago

Thanks Zach!

Yeah, my dialogue isn't the strongest in the world. I've actually went through another two minor revisions since this post. One of them, I exteneded the last scene with *gasp* more dialogue :O. But I think it makes it stronger.

I also cleaned up some of the language, cut some bits here and there.

The late scene should probably be cleaned up, so it's less plodding, but when the actors read it, there's this really awkward sexual tension, like out of a bad porno that's hilarious.

As for the teacher playing a joke. I totally agree that it's unbelievable, but it creates a good amount of tension, which is nice.

There have been worse things in movies, like, connecting to an alien wireless network and uploading a computer virus into an unknown operating system. Oh, and all this was developed in a matter of hours while your entire race and planet faced destruction. No pressure.

Thanks for reading and thanks for the comments. I will definitely look over the dialogue some more and try and make it more engaging.

-Penguin